Momentary Lapse
by Adriana DiVolpe
Summary: Pairing: Cuddy/House/Wilson/Chase/Thirteen. Summary? You need one after reading that? Seriously, though. This is humour, not smut. Crackfic ahoy. Includes SLASH -House/Wilson- and FEMSLASH -Cuddy/Thirteen- .
1. Aftermath

**Title:** Momentary Lapse  
**Authors:** Adriana DiVolpe and LevinaIndigo  
**Rating:** T  
**Pairing:** Cuddy/House/Wilson/Chase/Thirteen  
**Summary:** See pairing. Just... see pairing.

**Author's Notes:** This is a collaboration with a friend of mine who's not on this site. This fic is on crack; I'm telling you now. If you can't already tell that this is supposed to be funny, bail out now. We honestly can't even _remember_ how this idea came to us. We tried. It's gone.

Oh, and I forgot to mention when I first posted the story that the timeline is all shot to hell. Apparently Cameron, Chase and Foreman still work for House, and so does Thirteen; and Kutner and Taub are nowhere to be found. I assume they're taking a vacation in Amsterdam or something. Or they went to Whitecastle.

**Warnings:** Slash, Femslash, and Emo!Cameron. Also probably a couple bad words, and implied sexual situations. And also crack, lots of it.

* * *

Cuddy pressed her fingers to her temples. Her head was throbbing. Squeezing her eyes shut and forcing them open, her vision swam in, a river of blurred colours and shapes.

Groaning and dragging a hand through her wild hair, she rolled over, already beginning to drift back to sleep.

It took her a moment to notice that her cheek was pressed against something warm. Bringing her hand up, she brushed it across what she soon realized was a bare chest.

Her eyes flew open, panic spiking through her.

House let out a snore.

A strangled scream tore itself from Cuddy's throat.

Starting awake, House uttered a surprised, "This isn't where I left my car!"

Cuddy yanked the sheet up over herself and recoiled from House, shrieking a string of unintelligible words. Most of them sounded like profanities.

"What?!" Wilson's voice.

Cuddy looked to the end of the bed.

Wilson blinked back at her. He yelped, throwing himself off the edge of the bed accidentally.

Chase let out a cry. "Crikey!" Wilson had fallen on top of him.

"Chase?!" Cuddy shouted. She put her hands over her face, mortified, her head falling back.

"Cuddy?!" he yelled back in confusion. Then he noticed the body on top of him. "Wilson?!"

"Chase?!"

The men scrambled apart.

"I'm House!" said House. "Now that we all know each other, shut up. I'm trying to sleep."

Chase and Wilson suddenly realized they were both naked. "Aahh!"

Wilson grabbed a pillow off the end of the bed and covered himself. Chase just used his hands.

House lifted the sheet covering his body. "Hey look, I'm naked too." He turned his head, the sheet still raised. "And what do you know, so is Cuddy!"

Cuddy ripped the sheet down and wrapped it tightly around herself, glowering at House.

Thirteen walked in with a can of coffee tucked under her arm, reading a pack of Oreo Wafer Stix. "Cuddy, how are these even Oreos?"

"Thirteen?!" Cuddy cried in disbelief.

"Wafer Stix?!" Chase shouted in excitement.

"And how do you take your coffee?" Thirteen asked.

"This really isn't the time for coffee," Cuddy said.

"I'd like coffee," Chase said.

Cuddy narrowed her eyes at him.

House's expression was especially vacant; his glazed eyes stared at the ceiling in an incredulous sort of way. He said, "This is the best day of my entire crippled life."

"Shut up!" Cuddy barked at him. She pressed her palm to her face.

Thirteen quickly retreated back to the kitchen, not wishing to be yelled at.

The silence in the room was very loud.

"So," Chase spoke after a moment, clearing his throat, "What even happened last night?"

House stared at the ceiling. "It was the best day of my life and I can't remember _any _of it."

"Me neither," said Chase.

"We have to do it again." House looked over at Cuddy.

"Nice try."

"Fine. I'll just have to make something up." He closed his eyes. "Oh, Wilson!"

Cuddy scowled.

House continued to make noises. "Wilson!"

"House," Cuddy said at him loudly.

"Shh. Oh God, Wilson!"

"Are the rest of us even there?" Cuddy asked.

"Shut up Cuddy, you're ruining it!" House whined. He resumed his mind's eye re-enactment of the previous night's events.

Wilson looked away in embarrassment.

"Anyway," Cuddy shouted over House's voice, "What do you remember, Wilson?"

"Not a lot." He squeezed his eyes shut. "Tequila shots. A bar? I remember being in a car, I think."

"Hang on a second." Cuddy picked up a pillow and mashed it down on House's face, muffling his moans and cries of "Wilson".

"Okay," she said, "go ahead."

Wilson looked blank. "That was all."

"Oh."

Cuddy moved the pillow off House's face, since there was no more important business to be discussed. He finally stopped screaming about Wilson.

Thirteen poked her head around the door frame. "Am I missing it? Did you start again without me?"

"No!" Wilson and Cuddy exclaimed in unison.

"Yes!" House shouted.

Wilson and Cuddy both glared at him.

Thirteen moved into the room holding two mugs of coffee. "Here," she said, handing one to Chase.

"Thanks, mate," he said, accepting the mug.

Wilson looked around. "What time is it?"

Cuddy turned her head to look at the clock. "Shit. It's 8:15."

The doorbell sounded.

Cuddy pulled the sheet around herself and grabbed a bathrobe off the back of the door as Chase and Wilson began looking around for their clothes.

Tying the robe closed, Cuddy pulled open the door to find Cameron standing on her doorstep with teary eyes.

"Cuddy, I can't find House! Is he okay? Do you think he's dead?"

Cuddy sighed. "I don't have time for this right now, Cameron."

"But what if he's dead somewhere? Don't you even care?"

"I'm sure he's fine. He's never at work this early anyway. Why are you worried?"

"Cuddy… My goldfish. He… I tried so hard…" Cameron began to sob.

"What does this have to do with House?"

"He… He could have figured out what was wrong… We could have saved him! Maybe he would still be alive!" She sobbed harder and flung her arms around Cuddy.

Cuddy was not impressed. "Look," she said, "I'm already late for work. Go… I don't know. Go find Chase or something."

"I already looked for him!" Cameron sobbed. "He's not home either!"

"Yeah, well," Cuddy replied, trying to pry a shaking Cameron off of her. "What about your friends?"

"I don't _have_ any friends!" This only made Cameron cry harder. "I don't… Nobody likes me!" The rest of her words were drowned out by her wailing.

"Okay! Okay!" Cuddy conceded, trying to comfort Cameron enough to get her to relax her tightening grip. "I'm sure people like you. I'm sure you're very… smart… and… uh… funny…"

Cameron sniffled, looking up at Cuddy. "Really?"

"Yeah! Sure!" She managed to separate herself from Cameron. "So… I've got to go now, how about you get back to the hospital and wait for House and Chase, okay?"

Cameron sniffed and rubbed her eyes. "Okay…"

Thirteen shouted from inside the house. "Cuddy?"

Cameron looked confused. "Why is…"

"Bye! Gotta go!" Cuddy said, backing into the house and slamming the door in Cameron's face.

Cuddy leaned against the door and rubbed her forehead. God, she had a headache.

"Cuddy?!" Fuck, Cameron's voice again.

Cameron pressed her face against the front window, peering in. "Cuddy? Are you having a party?"

Cuddy held her breath.

"Why didn't you invite me to your party?" she whined. It sounded like the tears were starting again.

"Cuddy," Wilson began, appearing from the hallway, "have you seen my suit jacket? I can't find it." He disappeared again, not waiting for an answer.

"You invited Wilson! But you didn't invite me…" She started crying again.

Cuddy edged around Cameron's line of sight and made her way back to her bedroom.

House was snoring.

"House!" she yelled at him. "How can he sleep at a time like this?" she demanded of the others.

Chase shrugged. "That's nothing. You should see him sleep when he thinks a patient's parent is trying to talk to him. Granted, he's probably not actually sleeping, though."

"Well," Cuddy said scathingly, moving around the room, pulling clothing from various drawers, "some of us have to get to work." Moving to the closet, she pulled down a skirt and a blouse before going off to the bathroom, leaving Chase and Thirteen sipping their coffee, and House snoring.


	2. Confusion

Some time later, Foreman looked up from the newspaper he was reading to see Chase and Thirteen stroll in.

"Nice of you guys to show up," he said pointedly, looking at his watch.

Chase rubbed the back of his neck, turning halfway towards Thirteen and then looking the other way. Thirteen just stared past Foreman.

Foreman looked back and forth, from one to the other. "Oh… No way…" he laughed, "Did you guys…"

"No!" the pair shouted together, looking at each other and then stoically at the floor.

Foreman snickered and shook his head. "Oh man…"

"Good morning kiddies," House exclaimed, strolling in with a cup of coffee. "And what a beautiful morning it is. The birds are singing, the sun is bright…"

The three young doctors just stared at each other with wide eyes and raised eyebrows.

"Have I ever told you guys that you're pretty good at your jobs?" House said.

Foreman gaped. "House… what…"

"What? Now I'm not allowed to be nice?" House pretended to be offended.

"You're _not_ nice," Foreman pointed out. "Ever."

Thirteen and Chase looked at each other.

"Kate Renwall," House said, throwing a file down on the table. "Presents with… ah, hell, just read the file."

They pulled the file forward and began to read.

"Is it Lupus?" Chase piped up, looking at the table instead of at his boss.

House looked at him. "It's never Lupus."

"I thought maybe this time…"

Cameron raced in. "There you all are! I was looking everywhere…"

"Sorry, Cameron," House said, walking past her to the white board. "Middle of a diagnosis; don't want anyone to die, you know. Wouldn't want to deal with all the crying."

Cameron sat, flipping hair out of her eye in irritation.

"And just to clarify, I meant the crying from _you_," House continued, scribbling on the board. "It obviously wouldn't be me dealing with the grieving family of some dead woman."

"House," Foreman cut in to stop Cameron replying, "Did you even read this file? It doesn't seem that interesting to me." He flipped through the file again before pushing it away.

"Really? Because I could have sworn there was something wrong with him."

"Her," Chase corrected, still avoiding making eye contact.

"Him, her. Doesn't really matter." House turned to look at Thirteen. "Does it?"

"Not to you," she retorted.

Foreman raised an eyebrow at the sudden embarrassment shown on Chase and Thirteen's faces, after she realized what she'd said.

"That aside," House said, turning to Foreman, "What's your not-very-interesting diagnosis?"

"All symptoms point to cancer."

House sighed in mock pride. "My little Foreman, all growed up."

Rolling his eyes, Foreman crossed his arms and sat back in his chair.

"Go check with Wilson."

Foreman grabbed the file and stood up.

"Oh, and while you're out, get permission from Cuddy for a _(insert medical procedure here)_."

"But that has nothing to do with cancer, she—"

"And I never said you were right about that."

Foreman sighed, not in the mood to fight with House.

* * *

Making his way down the hall to Wilson's office, Foreman knocked before pushing the door open.

"Dr. Wilson," he began, "do you know what's wrong with House?"

Wilson stopped writing but did not look up.

"I don't really know. Why?"

Foreman looked at Wilson in disbelief. "Have you seen him today at all?"

Wilson scratched the back of his neck. "Not really, no."

"Ah." Foreman stared at Wilson. "Okay, well, we need a consult. We think it might be cancer."

"I can't. I'm really busy right now," Wilson stated quickly, scratching away at the forms in front of him.

"House told me to—"

"I can't right now!" Wilson shouted at him.

Foreman's eyebrows shot up, and he backed away, pulling the door closed.

* * *

Back in the diagnostics office, House was absently twirling his cane and whistling a jaunty tune.

"So if it's not cancer, what is it?"

"Stop cheating, Thirteen." House laughed. "And I thought I'd only ever have to say that to Wilson."

Cameron suddenly started to sob.

House rolled his eyes. "How can you ruin the best day of my life like this? What could possibly be wrong this time?"

"Wilson is so mean!" she wept through her hands. "His wives loved him!"

"So did his mistresses; you feel bad for them too?"

Cameron sobbed harder, resting her head on the desk.

"Oh God, you do! What the hell is wrong with you?" House yelled, poking Cameron's shoulder with his cane.

"Why do you hate meeee?!" she wailed. "Everyone hates me!"

House rolled his eyes, limping away into his office and shutting the blinds.

"NO!" Cameron cried, reaching out her arms as though it would cause House to come back to her. "I love you! I'm sorry!"

Chase cleared his throat. "Wow, will you look at the time! I've got clinic duty!" He all but ran from the room.

"No!" Thirteen cried, "Don't leave me alone with—"

Cameron threw her arms around Thirteen, sobbing.

"—her."

* * *

Foreman knocked on Cuddy's door, opening it and poking his head through.

Cuddy looked up and then quickly back down at whatever she was doing.

"Cuddy, what the hell is wrong with everyone? Chase, Thirteen, Wilson and House are all acting—"

Cuddy looked up but would not make eye contact with Foreman.

"God, not you too!" he cried in disbelief.

"I'd like you to leave," Cuddy said evenly, avoiding Foreman's eyes.

"But I need permission to do—"

"Do it."

"But you don't even know what—"

"It's fine, just do it. You have my permission."

"But it's pretty danger—"

"Get out!" she roared, pointing at the door with her pen.

Foreman jerked backwards, surprised by her sudden outburst. "But—"

"Just get out!"

Stumbling out of the office, Foreman just stood there for a second, bewildered. What the hell was going on? What could possibly have happened that would make everyone so evasive? And House so _happy_?

Foreman was sure of one thing. It couldn't be good.

Wandering away, he pondered the possibilities.

Had they killed someone? No, no, that was ridiculous.

Did they know something he didn't?

Was it about him? What could they possibly have found out? There was really nothing—

Or maybe it was something else they knew, something on a bigger scale. What if he was going to get fired?

What if the hospital was closing, and they _all_ were getting fired? Oh god.

But that wouldn't make House happy, probably. Foreman doubted it.

That meant it had to be something about only him. Was he getting fired?

* * *

The door of his office flew back on its hinges, causing Wilson to jump.

"So did you tell Foreman it wasn't cancer?" House demanded.

"No…" Wilson absently fiddled with papers in front of him.

"You can't tell me you actually thought it was cancer. I may not be an oncologist, but—"

"I didn't tell him anything, I told him to get out."

House looked down at Wilson. "You told him to get out?"

"Well, I'm a little bit preoccupied with trying to deal with…with… You know, what happened."

House laughed, perching himself on the edge of Wilson's desk. "You're actually upset by this?"

"House! I just slept with—" Wilson cleared his throat and lowered his voice. "I just slept with half the people I work with on a day-to-day basis."

"Sleeping with half the nurses never seemed to bother you."

"That–­that's different," Wilson stammered.

"Why? Because it wasn't all at the same time?" House paused. "That mental image is actually pretty hot."

"House!"

"Oh, come on, Wilson, lighten up." House stood, rounding the desk and stepping closer to Wilson.

Wilson sighed and put his pen back in his front pocket. "Was there something you actually wanted? You know it's not cancer; you don't need a consult."

House paused and glanced away for a second.

Wilson raised his eyebrow. "Are you okay?" Wilson stood from his chair. "I thought this was the best day of your life."

"I know what could make it an even better day." House smirked and grabbed hold of Wilson's tie, pulling him closer.

"Whoa! Hey—"

House brought his lips to Wilson's, effectively cutting off his cries of protest, and pushed him back against the desk. Wilson responded by wrapping his arms around House's neck.

Throwing the paperwork off the desk, House pushed Wilson down on top of the wooden surface.

"House, what the hell!?"

"Let me do this," House replied deadpan.

"Oh, Greggy." Wilson sighed happily.

"Don't call me that… It makes me sound like I'm five or something."

"I only—"

The door to Wilson's office opened again.

"Dr. Wilson, have you seen House? I haven't seen him for five minutes and I—" Cameron stood in shock at the scene before her.

Wilson cleared his throat in panic and attempted to move out from under House, which proved impossible as House had no intention of letting him up.

"Yes, Dr. Cameron? What do you want? As you may have noticed, I'm a little busy." House glared in Cameron's direction, hoping she would leave immediately.

Unfortunately, she didn't.

"House!" She cried loudly, falling to her knees. "How could you do this to me? To _us_?!"

"_Us_? There _is_ no us." House stepped back so Wilson could stand properly.

Cameron curled up on the floor, wracked with loud sobs.

Wilson looked from House to Cameron, and back to House. "If you leave, you have to take her with you."

"I hate you, Wilson!" Cameron screamed between sobs from her position the floor. "It's not fair! I love him more than anyone! He should be my boyfriend!"

House looked at Wilson. "…Do I have to?"

Wilson glared.

"Can't I take you with me when I leave instead?"

"As long as I'm not left alone with… that."


	3. Complication

After three weeks, everyone slowly went back to normal, and Foreman decided that he was probably safe.

He never did find out what had made everyone freak out, but he figured it was none of his business anyway. He didn't really care that much.

* * *

House looked around as he limped into Cuddy's office. "Whoever died, it wasn't my fault. I swear."

Chase, Thirteen and Wilson paced around Cuddy's office.

"Why did you page us all here, Cuddy?" Wilson asked, putting his hands on his hips.

"Close the door," she said, looking at House.

"Why?" he asked. "Are we going to get naked? _Again_?"

"Just do it." Cuddy glared at him.

"O-kay." He closed the door. "Should we draw the blinds too? Or does it turn you on when people watch?"

Cuddy stood up and walked around to stand in front of her desk. She hesitated.

"What?" Thirteen asked. "Are we fired?"

"No, no," Cuddy assured her, "Nothing like that."

"Then what?"

Chase drank from his coffee cup.

Cuddy inhaled slowly. "I'm pregnant." The faintest trace of a smile graced her lips.

Chase's coffee exploded from his mouth.

Everyone in the room stared at her in shock. No one breathed for a good thirty seconds.

Except Thirteen. "Well, at least I know it wasn't me," she joked.

"Look," Cuddy said, trying to lighten the stress in the room a little, "I'm not expecting anything from anyone."

"Whew, that's a relief." House pretended to wipe his brow. "I can't afford child support."

"Oh, sure you can," Wilson scoffed, "You'd probably just take it from me."

"No, of course not!" House acted as if he'd been offended. "I'd never do something like that, would I?"

"Shut up, you two!" Chase said with irritation, trying to wipe coffee off the front of his shirt. "This is serious."

"It's really not," Cuddy cut in. "I'm honestly not looking for _anything_ from any of you. The truth is," she said, leaning back against her desk, "I've been trying for this for some time. The fact that it happened now is just…" She shrugged. "Coincidence."

No one said anything.

After a minute, House spoke up. "So, I take it from the fact that we're all standing around here looking pretty, that you don't know which of our little guys won the race."

"I know it wasn't mine!" Thirteen laughed.

"Oh, shut up," Chase huffed. "Why are you even here, anyway?"

"No," Cuddy sighed, going back to House's statement. "I don't."

"How would you?" Wilson said with a slight chuckle.

Cuddy tilted her head at him, narrowing her eyes.

"No! I just meant that… Well, what I meant to say was… Well, you know!"

"By all means, Dr. Wilson, continue!" House encouraged. "I'd love to see how this turns out. Ten bucks on Wilson with a black eye." He looked around at the others. "Anyone?"

"No, I know what you meant," Cuddy said, shaking her head.

Wilson rubbed the back of his neck. "I didn't mean to say you were…"

"Forget it," she said.

Everyone looked around the room uncomfortably, excluding House. House just smirked at Wilson.

Cuddy cleared her throat. "So, you can all get back to your jobs now. I'm sure you've got patients."

Everybody but House moved for the door.

"Yes?" Cuddy demanded of him.

"Oh, nothing."

She pushed herself off her desk and walked back around to sit in the chair. Picking up her pen, she made to resume her paperwork. House still hadn't moved. "If there's nothing you want, please get out. I've got work to do."

House smirked at her.

Cuddy rolled her eyes and braced herself. Oh God, here it comes.

But he just turned and limped away.

She shook her head. He could be so irritating.

* * *

_**10 weeks later**_

* * *

Cuddy poked her head around the door of the diagnostics office.

"Foreman, can I talk to you for a minute?"

"Uh… Yeah, sure," he said, looking a little surprised.

Following her out into the hall, he briefly wondered if he was in trouble for something.

She looked over her shoulder, making sure Cameron wasn't around. "Foreman, I need a favour."

"From me?" His eyebrows shot up.

"Yes."

"Okay…"

Cuddy sucked in her breath. "I need you to do a test for me."

Foreman's expression became a mixture of confusion, concern and surprise. "What kind of test?"

Thirteen had managed to sneak up behind Cuddy. "I'm going down to the lab now. Who's it for?"

Cuddy jumped slightly. "Oh, Thirteen. It's only you." She sighed in relief. "I was worried it was Cameron."

Thirteen shook her head, moving around to stand beside Foreman.

Foreman looked at Thirteen, then back at Cuddy. "Should we…"

Cuddy glanced at Thirteen, shaking her head. "It doesn't matter."

Foreman nodded. "Okay. What… kind of test did you need?"

Licking her lips, she said slowly, "A paternity test."

Foreman blinked. The gears of his brain were turning very slowly. It took a moment for it to sink in.

His eyes flicked to her waistline. Now that he knew to look he could see the extra few pounds. Looking back he didn't know how he'd missed it.

Thirteen cleared her throat.

"So you want me… to do a paternity test," he said, somewhat stupidly.

"Yes," she told him, tilting her head. "That's what I just said."

Thirteen struggled not to laugh.

Foreman raised his eyebrow at her. "Wait, you already know about this?"

Thirteen rubbed her arm. "Well… I mean… yeah."

Foreman stared at Cuddy. "Does everyone else know, too?"

"Well," Cuddy began, running a hand through her hair, "not everyone."

"So why get me to run the test? Why not just ask one of the others, if they already know?"

Cuddy sighed. "It's… complicated."

"How?"

"I really don't want to listen to Cameron gush, or cry, or both for the next month. Or probably longer."

"And Chase?"

Cuddy's eyes fell to look at Foreman's shoes.

Foreman recognized that look. It suddenly hit him where he'd seen it before.

"Oh!" He couldn't contain the excited outburst. "No way! Chase?"

Cuddy scratched her collarbone, looking away.

Things were starting to fall into place. It almost made him want to laugh. In fact…

"And Wilson?" he questioned with a chuckle, already knowing the answer.

Her fingers played with the necklace she was wearing.

Something else hit him. "House?! House too?"

Cuddy sighed, putting her hand to her forehead. "Yes, yes. Now you see why I couldn't ask anyone else?"

"Oh yeah," chortled Foreman, shaking his head in disbelief, looking at Thirteen.

Thirteen cleared her throat, raising her eyebrows in a "stop-talking-now" gesture.

"I'm glad this is so funny for you," Cuddy said acidly, crossing her arms with disdain and pacing a few steps.

"Come on, you gotta admit, it's a little funny."

"Yeah, it's a real laugh riot," she shot back bitterly, shaking her head.

"I'm sorry," he said, sobering up. It occurred to him that maybe making fun of his boss's boss wasn't such a hot career move. Plus, he was just a nice guy.

"I'll run the test for you," he assured her, hoping he hadn't gone too far.

"Why couldn't I have just run the test?" Thirteen piped up.

Cuddy shrugged. "Plot hole."

"Ah," Thirteen breathed, satisfied with that answer.

"I'll need some samples to compare to, though," Foreman continued.

"Thirteen and I will handle that," Cuddy insisted quickly. This was embarrassing enough as it was without Foreman trying to explain to everyone what he needed the sample for.

* * *

"You want a what?" Wilson asked, not sure he had heard Thirteen correctly.

"A blood sample," she repeated.

"Why?"

"Random drug testing. We do that here now."

He blinked. "Drug testing? That's ridiculous, I mean, I–I… We—"

"It's not ridiculous. Take House for example…"

Wilson held up his hands, sighing in defeat. "Okay, okay… I get it, go ahead."

* * *

"A blood sample?" Chase tilted his head.

"Yes," Cuddy replied sternly.

"From me."

Cuddy crossed her arms. "Yes."

Chase's face turned pale suddenly. "Did you give me an STD?"

"No!" Cuddy gasped. "It has nothing to do with that!"

"The test has got nothing to do with the STD you gave me?!"

"I never gave you an STD!"

Chase visibly relaxed. His face flooded with panic again. "Did Wilson?!"

"What?! No! No one gave you any STDs!"

He calmed down again. "Okay." He paused a moment, looking confused. "Wait, then… Why did you need a blood sample?"

Cuddy rubbed her temples, sighing.

* * *

Thirteen and Cuddy milled around the hallway outside House's office.

"All right, two down," Thirteen sighed. "Now there's only House left."

"God."

They peered in the window at the man in question. Looking up from his TV, he waved obnoxiously.

Letting out a sigh, Cuddy pushed the door open, muttering, "Let's get this over with."

House swivelled in his chair. "Well, well. You ladies wouldn't be looking for a three-way, would you?"

Cuddy crossed her arms. "We need a blood sample from you."

House stroked his stubble in mock thoughtfulness. "I wonder what that could be for…"

Cuddy rolled her eyes.

Gasping in revelation, he exclaimed, "Oh! Could it be because I knocked you up?"

"Here we go." Cuddy threw up a hand in frustration.

"But no. That's not it." He leaned his chin on the top of his cane. "It's because you don't _know_ if I knocked you up or not."

"Yeah, yeah. Let's hear it," Cuddy encouraged sarcastically. "Get it all out. Let's get it all over with."

Thirteen covered a laugh with her hand.

"…I think I'm pretty much done."

"Good."

"On the other hand, I could say… You look fat."

Cuddy raised an eyebrow. "That's it?"

House nodded thoughtfully. "Yeah. And you do."

"Thank you. Very helpful."

"I'm only here to help."

Thirteen stepped forward with a needle. "Just roll up your sleeve already."


	4. Revelation

A few hours later, back in Cuddy's office, Foreman held up a results sheet in incredulity.

Cuddy stared at the page. "You're _sure_?"

Foreman nodded. "I ran the test _three times_."

Cuddy's lips worked silently. "But _how_?" she croaked.

He held his hands up. "Hey, don't look at me. I'm not the one who slept with half—"

"Yeah, yeah," she interrupted irritably. Her eyes drifted back to the paper in her hands. She shook her head slightly.

"Thank you," she said sincerely, taking the results sheet and leaving Foreman standing in her office.

* * *

In the space of a few minutes, she had gathered the relevant people in House's office, and sent Cameron off on some errand.

"Is that it?" House asked, pointing at the paper she held. "The answer to all our questions about the little Spawn of Satan?"

"Yes," she replied, holding the sheet out of his reach as House lunged for it. "Ah, not so fast." She loved having power over him. "This is driving you crazy, isn't it?"

"Of course not. I just want to know if Wilson's going to have to pay you as well as his many ex-wives."

"Ha, ha," Wilson deadpanned.

Cuddy consulted the list. "Well, it's not Wilson."

Wilson breathed a sigh of relief, loosening his tie.

"Thanks," she sniped at him sarcastically.

"Sorry," he looked embarrassed. "I just…"

She waved a dismissive hand and he fell silent.

House and Chase leaned forward.

"And it's not House."

Chase's eyes went wide. "Oh, my God." He looked around, mouth gasping slightly like a waterless fish.

"Oh, but I'm not done yet," Cuddy said mysteriously.

The room's occupants looked at each other in bewilderment.

"But there's no one left. You've excluded everyone else," Wilson spoke in confusion.

"Not everyone," she said, her eyes landing on Thirteen.

The colour drained from Thirteen's face. "What?"

"Hmm," House interjected thoughtfully, "Is there something you're not telling us, Thirteen?"

"No!" she gasped. She rubbed her forehead. "I don't understand! I only gave you the DNA sample because I thought it would be funny. There must be some mistake!"

Cuddy shook her head. "Foreman ran the test three times."

Thirteen looked from Cuddy to House, back and forth, utterly lost. "But I…"

House shrugged. "Don't look at me. This sort of thing only happens in poorly-written fanfiction."

"You read fanfiction?" Wilson raised an eyebrow.

"Just the naughty parts."

Wilson rolled his eyes.

The young doctor put her head in her hands.

Cuddy rubbed her shoulder. "It's okay."

"I just…"

House, Wilson and Chase looked on in amusement.

"Could you give us a minute?" Cuddy asked, raising her eyebrows at them.

"Ohh yeah," House smirked, limping out into the hallway, followed by the other two. Cuddy scowled at him as he passed. She pushed the door closed.

"So… This is kind of a shock, huh?" Cuddy began with a nervous laugh.

Thirteen raised her eyebrows. "That's a bit of an understatement."

Cuddy turned to look behind her. Chase, Wilson and House were all standing with their faces pressed up to the glass wall of House's office. "Do you mind?" she spat, yanking the blind chain.

The blinds spun shut. Three disappointed groans could be heard from the other side.

Thirteen sighed. "I guess asking how something like this could even happen would be a good start."

Cuddy shook her head. "Don't bother. Things like this never make sense. They're devised by sick people with no lives who sit around in their parents' basements, writing terrible fanfiction."

Thirteen nodded absently.

* * *

"I bet she reads Xena fanfiction," House supposed, his ear pressed against the glass. "She seems into that."

"When did she ever seem into that?" Chase questioned.

"Am I the _only_ one who doesn't read smut about fictional characters on the Internet?" Wilson demanded of House.

"You're the only one who gets any on a regular basis," Chase explained. "You don't need Internet smut."

House looked around at him. "Don't be cruel. _Every_ normal person needs Internet smut about two hot Amazonian women getting it on."

"I didn't think Gabrielle was an Amazon," Wilson said, trying to remember.

House scoffed. "Wilson, her heritage is _not_ the issue here." He turned his attention back to the voices inside the office.

* * *

"Are you okay?" Cuddy asked quietly, putting her hand on Thirteen's shoulder.

"I… Yeah, it's just, you know… kind of a shock." She smiled sardonically.

"Come sit down," Cuddy suggested, urging her toward the couch.

Both women sat down on the cushions.

"So… What now?" Thirteen asked, looking at Cuddy.

"What do you mean?"

"Well… I mean… What do I… Should I…" she stammered.

Cuddy smiled reassuringly. "Don't worry." She placed her hand on the young woman's knee, trying to relax her. "There's no responsibility involved on your part whatsoever."

Thirteen looked away. After a moment she laid her hand over Cuddy's.

When she turned her gaze back, she said, "Can I…" Her eyes drifted to Cuddy's lap. "Can I… feel it?"

Cuddy lifted her hand, placing it on her stomach.

Thirteen's eyes glistened. "Wow," she breathed softly, awestruck.

Cuddy smiled. She could feel tears forming in her own eyes as well.

Thirteen looked up into Cuddy's eyes.

"Thirteen…" Cuddy said softly.

Thirteen shook her head slightly. "Re—"

Cuddy pressed a finger against her lips. "Shh, Thirteen. You don't have to speak."

Thirteen leaned forward very slowly, until she was close enough to place a soft kiss on Cuddy's lips.

Her eyelids fluttering open, she looked into Cuddy's eyes, trying to gauge her reaction. "I… I'm sorry."

* * *

Chase slid out into the hallway from the diagnostics office. "Hey guys! I found an opening!"

"Yeah, that's what your mom said," House snickered.

Wilson looked at him. "Chase's mom is dead."

"You just ruined my joke!" House pouted.

"It was hardly a joke, House, you just—"

"Guys! Opening in the curtain, lesbians on the other side…" Chase trailed off, looking between Wilson and House and allowing the information to sink in.

* * *

She studied Thirteen's face, her mind not really thinking. Her eyes were honest and concerned, and there was something deeper there that Cuddy couldn't put a name to.

Cuddy grasped Thirteen's chin gently, pulling her mouth to meet her own. She savoured the softness of her lips, vaguely aware of Thirteen's fingers against the side of her neck and in her hair. Deepening the kiss, she leaned into the younger woman, her thumb stroking the side of Thirteen's face.

* * *

Chase, House and Wilson were gathered around the small crack they had found in the blind's defenses.

"This is the _second_ best day of my life," House announced.

"I'm going to rate this as the first, considering I don't remember the other time," Wilson commented.

"Ditto," Chase agreed.

"What about that other, _other_ time?" House asked suggestively, placing a hand on Wilson's hip.

"House!" Wilson protested, gesturing that Chase was right there.

"Why do you have to have these stupid blinds on your office?" Chase whined, oblivious.

"I always figured if there were ever going to be lesbians in my office, I'd be in there with them, and I wouldn't have be out here trying to see through the blinds. I wouldn't want to share with you guys, would I?"

Wilson looked at him. "You do realize that if a woman's a lesbian, she's not going to want anything to do with you, right?"

"I want them to make out with each other, Wilson. I'd hire straight girls if I wanted them to make out with _me_."

Wilson rolled his eyes. "If you hired them I assume you'd eventually want the attention."

"That's why I'd be paying them. I shouldn't have to pay lesbians to act like lesbians, that'd be like paying you to talk." House pressed his ear back against the glass to see if he could hear any sexy conversations or goings-on.

* * *

Slowly, the pair pulled apart. Thirteen tried to think of something to say, but didn't have much luck.

"Cuddy…"

"It's Lisa," she said, smiling.

Thirteen's own lips spread into a smile. "You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that," she said with a small laugh.

"Really?" Cuddy was surprised.

* * *

"I can't hear anything here," complained House," I'm going back to the door."

"Me too," Chase agreed, "I think they're done making out."

Wilson stayed a moment longer before giving up and joining the other two at the door.

* * *

"Yes," Thirteen admitted. "Ever since that night… Well, you know," she laughed.

"Yeah," she replied with a smile, Thirteen's laughter catching. "I don't actually remember as much of that night as I'd like to," Cuddy confessed.

"No?" She sounded slightly disappointed.

"I'm sorry," Cuddy apologized, shaking her head. "I woke up with a really bad hangover."

Thirteen stroked Cuddy's cheek. "It's okay."

Cuddy enjoyed the feel of her fingertips for a moment. "How much do you remember?"

"All of it."

Cuddy blinked. "_All_ of it?"

Thirteen looked a little surprised. "Yes. Why?"

* * *

House's eyebrows shot up. "Hmm…"

"What? What is it?" demanded Wilson.

"You have to share if it's hot," Chase begged, elbowing for a spot at the small peephole in the door.

* * *

Cuddy shook her head in disbelief. "All this time, you remembered everything that happened, and you never said anything?"

"You never asked," Thirteen replied, taken a little aback.

"Yes I…" Cuddy trailed off. Thinking back now, Thirteen had been out of the room when she'd asked what everyone remembered. She laughed suddenly.

Thirteen looked confused.

Cuddy shook her head, still laughing. "I did ask, but you weren't there."

"Yeah, it's kind of hard to answer a question you weren't there to hear."

Cuddy nodded thoughtfully. "You must not have had as much to drink as the rest of us. No one remembers much."

Thirteen blinked. "I didn't have anything."

Cuddy stared. "You were sober?"

Thirteen nodded. "Yep."

"Dead sober?"

"Uh-huh."

Cuddy stood up suddenly.

"Did I say something wrong?"

"Hmm? Oh." Cuddy shook her head. "No."

"Then what's wrong?" Thirteen asked.

Cuddy paced a few steps. "Nothing."

Thirteen snorted. "There must be _something_ wrong."

Cuddy stopped pacing. "Oh. No, it's just… a little… embarrassing… I don't know."

Thirteen blinked. "What is?"

"I don't know. I guess knowing that you remember everything. Makes me feel a little… exposed." She paused. "You must think I'm a slut."

Thirteen smiled. "No more than the rest of us. Or Wilson…"

Cuddy snorted.

"Don't worry," Thirteen said calmingly, standing to grasp her arm. "It's okay, Lisa."

Cuddy looked into the young doctor's face. Her eyes offered reassurance.

Wrapping her arms around the older woman, Thirteen stroked Cuddy's dark hair.

Cuddy buried her nose against Thirteen's shoulder. "I'm sorry," she said, her eyes welling with hot tears. "I'm not usually like this." She laughed self-consciously. "Must be the hormones."

"Don't worry about it," Thirteen whispered into her ear.

Cuddy wiped her eyes on the back of Thirteen's lab coat. "We should probably get back out there before House decides to barge in and see what we're doing."

"Yeah," Thirteen agreed, pulling back. "You okay?"

"Yeah." Cuddy tucked a piece of hair behind her ear.

Moving to the door, Cuddy pulled it open only to have House fall almost on top of her.

"I was just making sure no one needed medical assistance," he said to her glare.

"Yeah. I bet."

Wilson and Chase looked away, whistling.

"So what are you going to name it?" House asked. "No, wait; let me guess." He pretended to think. "Casanova Mick Sherlock Rocky Cuddy."

Cuddy stared at him. "I pray to God you never have children."

Wilson snickered. House looked at him. "Don't laugh, honey. When we have kids, that's the name we're going to pick."

That just made Wilson laugh harder.

"Well," House announced, "I guess that's the end of that little adventure. So if you'll all excuse me, there's a whole Internet full of porn that's going unwatched as we stand around here chatting." He limped back into his office.

"I should go too," Wilson excused himself, "patients."

Chase just stood there, looking at Thirteen and Cuddy. They stared at him a moment until he got the hint.

"Oh…" he said, backing away. "Me too. Patients."

House watched the two women talking through the glass wall of his office. Leaning back and putting his legs up on his desk, he smirked to himself.

He'd switched the labels on two of the DNA samples. Oh, he loved being tricky.

* * *

_the end_

* * *

Author's Note: There's also a short epilogue; I'm still tweaking it. Should be up soon. Thanks for reading, guys! And remember that any kind of feedback is always appreciated, whether good or bad.


	5. Epilogue: Storytime

**Epilogue**

* * *

"Everything. I need to know _everything_," House stated, taking his seat at the table.

Thirteen paced in front of the white board. "I really don't know what to tell you," she said, twisting the cap of the marker in her hands.

"We just want--"

"_Everything_," House interrupted Wilson. "Do you not understand the definition of everything?"

"Why don't you start with how we all ended up at my house?" Cuddy suggested.

Thirteen sighed. "Okay, well…We were all down at the bar--"

"Why?" Chase asked, his hand raised.

"Um…What?"

"Why were we at the bar?"

Thirteen paused. "I… I don't remember."

"You don't remember?"

"It was a few months ago!"

Chase held his hands up in defense. "Okay, okay."

"I don't care why we were at Cuddy's house, I just want to know details of what we did," House glared.

Wilson rubbed his temples. "God."

"We all drove to Cuddy's in Wilson's car."

"_My_ car?!" Wilson's head shot up. "Who was driving?"

"Me. I didn't drink anything, remember?"

"Oh… all right."

"Then we all went to Cuddy's house."

"And then I did Wilson right?" House asked, inching forward on his seat as he waited for an answer.

"I don't see why that's so interesting, House." Wilson rolled his eyes.

"Just because we've done it since, doesn't mean I don't want to know."

Wilson stared at House. "Why don't you just tell everyone everything we do outside of work!"

"Once was at work."

Cuddy's eyes narrowed fiercely in Wilson's direction.

"He's kidding! Never! We never did anything at work!"

"Yet," House mumbled.

"Do you want to hear this, or can I leave?" Thirteen crossed her arms.

"No! You tell us what happened, and you tell us now."

Thirteen twisted the cap off the marker angrily. She turned quickly to the white board and started scribbling on it. "Okay, so… Cuddy was over there, Chase is here, Wilson… Sort of over here. House was up there at first… I think."

Everyone tilted their heads to the side. Thirteen gave one final swipe at the white board. "And that, is me."

"Why am I on Cuddy?" House crossed his arms.

"Because that's where you were!"

"I thought I was with Wilson!"

"Wilson started out with me!"

"Oh God, I want to die right now." Wilson slid down in his chair.

"Wait, what was I doing?" Chase pointed at the white board. "Why am I way over there??"

Thirteen turned to examine her scribblings. "I'm… Not sure."

"This isn't how I remember things at all," House huffed.

"You just made up what you remembered." Cuddy glared at him.

Thirteen sighed and turned back to the white board. "Then I remember House sort of went this way, Chase was over here, I went that way… Honestly, I don't even _know_ where Wilson got to."

"Is that me with Chase!?" House shouted suddenly.

Chase attempted to conceal a grin.

"I demand an explanation!" He slammed his fist on the table.

Thirteen looked at the white board, then back at House. "…Chase was closer?" She turned back to the white board and rubbed her chin. "Hmmm." She put the marker back to the white board. "Then… I went over here, with Chase, and Wilson went over there with Cuddy."

"Are you _kidding_ me!?"

"House! Do I have to put you in time out!?" Cuddy growled.

"Don't get lippy with me! You're the one who slept with _my_ boyfriend!"  
"You slept with me too!"

"Thirteen!" Wilson half-yelled, interrupting Cuddy and House. "Can you move this along? I really don't want to be here, and those two are going to kill each other."

"Sure, whatever." She turned to the white board again and scratched her head, looking at the mess of scribbles. Then she brought the marker to the board one last time. "So me, Cuddy and Chase were on the floor here, and Wilson and House were on the bed here."

"Finally!"

"I tried to make out with Wilson once or twice, but you kept screeching and pushing me away from him." Thirteen crossed her arms.

House blinked. "I screeched?"

"Like a small animal."

House shook his head. "Okay, then what? Now details!"

"Then Wilson passed out."

House stood from his place at the table. "What!? You made me sit through all that crap just to tell me Wilson fell asleep!?"

"I don't do well with alcohol! …I'm surprised I got _that_ far." Wilson interrupted, grabbing House's arm and pulling him back to a sitting position.

"So Wilson fell asleep at the end of the bed, Cuddy went back up with House and I stayed on the floor with Chase. And somewhere between that and the morning, we fell asleep."

There was silence.

"I like my version better." House stated.

"Most of us weren't even in your version!" Cuddy yelled.

House shrugged.

* * *

**Author's Note:** There is also a deleted scene from this story coming up. We sort of got carried away, we were having so much fun. This epilogue was pretty much written entirely by LevinaIndigo; pretty good stuff, eh? ;)

* * *


	6. Deleted Scene: Shenanigans

**Momentary Lapse: Deleted Scene**

* * *

**Pairings:** House/Wilson, Cuddy/Thirteen, Cameron/box

**Rating:** M for language... there are a lot of F-shots in this one

**Warnings:** Cameron Bashing, Slash, Femslash, Swearing, Drinking

* * *

**Author's Notes:** All right, this is a deleted scene from the story. We totally didn't write it after the story was already finished. We swear. Seriously.

Cameron/box is dedicated to **BlunderousBlueBrigade**, for reasons that will probably not be understood by anyone else.

This takes place somewhere between Cuddy telling them she's pregnant, and taking the paternity test.

* * *

House refilled Chase's glass with tequila, slopping a little over the side onto his desk.

"Cheers," Chase said, raising his glass at House in a grateful gesture.

"Me too!" Cameron insisted, poking House on the elbow.

House sighed. "Why are you still conscious?"

"I'm like… good at drinking," she said after a thoughtful pause.

"Apparently that's about all you're good at," Foreman muttered.

Cameron looked over at him. "What?"

"Nothing," Foreman said quickly, taking another swig of his tequila.

"Should we really be doing this at work? At nine in the morning?" Chase slurred. That didn't stop him from draining the bottom of his glass.

"Why not?" Cameron asked.

"Uh… Because we could get fired?" Wilson snickered, allowing House to refill his glass.

"Oh… Yeah…" The elbow that was supporting her slipped off the desk and she flopped forward into Chase's lap.

"Aah!" Chase jumped slightly in surprise.

"Hi," Cameron giggled. She played with the buckle on his belt.

"Cameron," he said nervously, looking around at the others, "Not here!"

"By all means," House encouraged, "I've pretty much exhausted my supply of doctor-on-doctor porn."

Foreman raised an eyebrow. "They have that?"

"Well… It's more like nurse-on-nurse… And I doubt they have any medical training…"

Cameron giggled again.

"But they did seem to have a thorough knowledge of human anatomy," House mused, downing another shot of tequila. "Anyone?" he asked, offering the bottle around.

Chase, Foreman, Wilson and Cameron moved their glasses forward on the desk and had them refilled.

"Shh, guys, I think I hear something," Cameron shouted.

They could hear heels clicking on the tiled floor.

They all scrambled to shove their glasses and the bottle out of sight, and tried to wipe the guilty looks off their faces.

But it was just an unfamiliar secretary.

They all sighed.

Wilson suddenly had an idea. "Hey! We should go get food!"

"Me too!" Cameron agreed, unaware that her response didn't really make sense.

There were nods of assent around the room.

"Then it's decided," House said, moving to the door. "We infiltrate the enemy stronghold and rescue the captive… food."

The group stumbled through the halls until they reached the main lobby, when they realized they had overlooked a serious flaw in their plan.

"We have to cross in front of Cuddy's office to get to the cafeteria," Wilson pointed out.

"It's okay, we'll just… be sneaky," Cameron said, moving stealthily forward.

"Oh, God." Chase covered his face. "We're going to get fired."

Cameron had made it halfway across the window to Cuddy's office when she tripped over her foot and fell on her face.

Everyone sucked in their breath.

"Oh God, I'm going to lose my job!" Wilson cried. "I like my job! How did I let you talk me into this?" he shouted at House, panic-stricken.

"Shut up," House urged him, focused on Cameron and the doorway.

Cameron was picking herself up off the floor slowly, tears in her eyes, when the door to Cuddy's office swung open.

Cameron froze.

Everyone else held their breath.

Cuddy stared at Cameron. "What are you, like… doing here?" she wondered.

"We just were going to the cafeteria, and I fell," Cameron explained, rubbing her elbow.

Cuddy stared at her.

Cameron braced herself, ready to be yelled at.

But Cuddy just burst out laughing. She covered her mouth with her hand, leaning her weight against the door frame.

Cameron tilted her head in confusion.

The four men in the hallway looked at each other, eyebrows raised.

"I'm sorry," Cuddy managed between laughs, "I just… It was funny."

House cocked his head. "Are you _drunk_?"

Cuddy swayed slightly, her laughter returning.

House stared at her. "Oh my God. You are."

She stumbled away, back to her couch and plopped down on the cushions, reaching forward for the bottle of vodka on the table.

Chase got there first. He held the bottle out of her reach. "Shouldn't you probably not be drinking?"

"I'm good at drinking," Cameron piped up, laughing.

Cuddy pouted. "Don't tell me what I can't do."

"Well you don't tell me what… I can't tell you that… you… telling… me…" Cameron seemed to be trying to count on her fingers as she attempted to end her sentence.

Chase tried to talk some sense into the Dean. "Cuddy, really, you probably shouldn't be drinking, what with the baby and—"

Cuddy gasped loudly. "I love babies!" she slurred. She paused, then excitedly gasped again. "I have a patient; she loves babies."

She lowered her voice conspiratorially. "Did you know they're inside of you, little people." She pointed at her stomach. "In here."

"Yeah… I know… So you should—"

"Like… leprechauns, in your stomach, but not shiny." She glanced at her watch. "I have to… Have doctor… I mean." She held her head and shook it slightly. "I have doctor shit to do!" She brushed quickly past House and Wilson.

"Wait, Cuddy, you can't… You…" Wilson giggled, unable to finish.

"Lightweight," House muttered, not really paying attention.

Foreman stared around at the others in confusion. "What the hell was that?"

"Oh, you've never seen her drunk," House told him. "That's what that was."

"That was… something." Chase shook his head.

"I can't tell… babies… what to do?" Cameron asked Chase, wondering if that was the conclusion she had been trying to reach earlier.

He shook his head. "No. You can't."

"Aww…" She crossed her arms, dropping down to the couch in disappointment.

"Did she say she was going to see a patient?" Chase said, suddenly remembering.

House nodded. "Yeah. I think so."

Chase stared at him. "Well shouldn't we stop her?!"

House blinked. "Why?"

A pained expression came over Wilson's face. "…I think I'm going to be sick." He spun and fled down the hallway.

* * *

"Okay!" Cuddy said loudly, walking into her patients room. She snapped a latex glove halfway over her hand, the fingers of the glove hanging down sadly. "What problem seems to be… the problem?"

The woman stared at her in shock. "Are you all right?"

"I'm great; how are you?" she replied happily. She began to hum tunelessly, looking around the room. "Now what did I do with my… listening… thingy?" She mimed taking something from around her neck and putting it into her ears.

"Stethoscope?"

"That's what it's called!"

"…Are you even a real doctor?"

"I insure you," Cuddy said seriously, "I am a real doctor. I went to, like… doctor school and everything."

The woman slowly reached for the nurse call button.

Cuddy gasped suddenly, dropping the file she was holding. "You have a tiny people inside you!" She pointed at the woman's stomach.

Cuddy walked up to the woman and leaned over onto the bed. "I have a ba… blabie… tiny people too." She pressed her finger to her lips and slurred, "Shhh, it's a secret."

"Yes… That… that's nice…" The woman pressed the call button frantically.

"Is everything all ri—"

"I got this!" Cameron shouted, knocking the nurse out of the way. "What seems to be the officer, problem?"

House, Chase and Foreman stood in the doorway behind her. House nodded towards Foreman. Foreman rolled his eyes and then dragged Cameron out of the room and down the hall.

"She's out of her mind!" the woman on the exam table screeched at House.

"I'll have you know, missy," Cuddy said importantly, struggling to keep herself upright, "that I am the fucking Dean of fucking Medicine." She giggled. "I'm the Dean of Fucking."

"Yes, we know." House stepped towards Cuddy, trying to keep her from falling over.

"We all know," agreed Chase.

"Come on, Cuddy." House held out his hand. "You have to come with us now."

"I don't want to go with you!"

"We'll give you your booze back," House grinned.

Chase shook his head feverishly. "House! We can't—"

"Shhh!" House quickly silenced Chase.

Cuddy cautiously stumbled over to House. "Can… Can we talk about—"

"We can talk about all the tiny people you want, Cuddy."

Cuddy squealed and leaned her weight into House, burying her nose in his neck. "You smell like Wilson," she giggled.

Chase raised an eyebrow at him.

"Oh, Cuddy," House said, moving her hair away from her face, "You're so drunk that you're getting me mixed up with Wilson."

She wrapped her arms around his neck, leaning onto him so heavily he almost fell over.

Chase jumped over to catch House. "All right, I think we need to go sit down." He began to lead them into Cuddy's office.

"I miss Wilson," Cuddy exclaimed sadly. "Where did he go?"

"I think he saw a nurse he hasn't slept with yet," House told her, helping Chase lower her to the couch.

Cuddy held her arms out expectantly. "Booze?"

"Nope." House sat in the chair next to the couch.

Cuddy looked aghast. "But you promised!"

"I lied."

She huffed, crossing her arms and leaning back on the couch.

Chase paced back and forth. "What are we going to do? That patient's going to tell every one that the Dean of Medicine was drunk! They're going to shut the hospital down, they—"

"Oh, get a grip, Chase. The worst they'll do is fire Cuddy. It's not like we look drunk… Well, Cameron does."

"So does Wilson."

House donned his serious face. "We'll just have to make sure none of them are seen by any patients."

"Patient!?" Cuddy shot up off the couch. "I have one of those!"

"No, you don't!" Chase insisted, pushing her back down, putting his hands on her shoulders to keep her there.

"But…" Cuddy protested, struggling against Chase. She gave up, sighing.

He released her shoulders, stepping back and resuming his pacing.

Cuddy whined, tossing and turning, attempting to get comfortable on the couch. "I'm bored."

"We don't care," House told her, standing from the chair.

"What are we going to do?" Chase demanded. "Do we even know where Cameron got to?"

"Oh, hey! A spinny chair!" Cuddy yelled suddenly and scrambled over to her office chair.

Chase and House watched as Cuddy proceeded to spin quickly around in the chair.

Wilson walked in, glancing down at his watch. "I feel much better now, I—"

He looked up just in time to see Cuddy suddenly stop spinning and throw up on the floor. Wilson blinked, then slapped a hand over his mouth and ran from the room again.

"Damn it, Cuddy!" House scowled. He turned to Chase. "You watch her for a minute."

"But, but you--" Chase protested as House left the room.

Wilson leaned against the wall, having already been sick in the garbage can nearest to him.

"I've got something that will help."

Wilson looked over toward House, who reached inside his suit jacket and produced a flask.

"Oh… I don't know, I--"

House shoved the open end of the flask into Wilson's mouth before he had a chance to finish talking.

Wilson took the flask from House's hands and downed the rest.

"That's a good boy." House grinned.

"House!" Chase yelped from inside Cuddy's office. "For the love of God, help me!"

House rubbed his chin. "I don't know… Love God?"

Wilson giggled, but since Chase wasn't in the hall to hear House talking to himself, he just kept screaming in vain for help.

House sighed, returning to Cuddy's office. Wilson wandered toward the Nurse's Station.

"What?" House demanded, storming into Cuddy's office. He tilted his head, seeing that Cuddy had somehow managed to get Chase's shirt halfway off. "Well… This is interesting."

"Would you get her off me?!"

"I kind of have to get back to Wilson."

"_What_?! He'll be fine! I'm the one that needs help!"

"Yeah, see… I kind of… may have given him more to drink."

Chase paused. Cuddy took the opportunity to fiddle with more of his shirt buttons. "You _what_?!"

"I decided that--"

"That is _it_!" Chase roared.

Both House and Cuddy froze and looked at him.

"I'm sick of this! This is ridiculous! We're all adults here, and this should just not be happening!" Chase jabbed a finger at the door. "Go to the Diagnostics Office!"

Cuddy hung her head and slunk away toward the door.

"You can't tell me what to do," House snorted.

"_NOW_!" Chase yelled louder. House reluctantly obeyed.

Chase, House, and Cuddy walked into the hall.

Wilson leaned an arm on the counter of the nurses' station. "So, what are you doing later?"

The nurse at the desk looked up at him. "Um… Doctor Wilson?"

"Hey, nice shoes. Bet they'd look much better in my pants."

Her eyebrows shot up much like Foreman's would.

"Wait... I mean… Are you from heaven?"

"Um…" She looked around, presumably for help to get drunk Wilson away from her.

"Because I've got an erection."

"Doctor Wilson!" Chase almost yelled.

Wilson winced. "What?"

The nurse took this opportunity to run like hell in the opposite direction.

Chase crossed his arms and glared. "Diagnostics Office. Now!"

Wilson whined and trudged toward the elevators.

House and Wilson stepped into the first elevator. House brought his cane up to block Cuddy and Chase from getting in.

"Sorry, you'll have to take the next one."

"But--" The doors closed. "House… House!" Chase hit his fist against the elevator door.

Cuddy giggled. "They're going to make out."

Chase sighed, and ran a hand through his hair. "This is worse than high school."

* * *

Cameron stumbled into the supply room.

"House!?" she cried out. "Are you in here?" Her voice shook; she had lost all of her co-workers and felt so alone.

Her eyes suddenly lit up. There on the floor in front of her was an empty box which once had held medical supplies.

She knelt down and caressed the side of it. "You're so beautiful," she gushed, and opened the top flaps.

Cameron wrapped her arms around the box made of corrugated cardboard. "Oh, box. You love me don't you?"

She gasped and pulled back. "No… No, I couldn't, I just met you."

She gave a lopsided smile, then stood. "Okay, but only because you asked so nicely."

Cameron stepped inside the box and sat down. She grinned, running her hands along the sides.

* * *

"What the hell took you guys so long!?" Thirteen yelled as Chase, Cuddy, Wilson and House trudged into the room.

"You would know if you had been on time this morning," House glared, dropping into a chair at the table.

"Chase is going to yell at us." Cuddy pouted, as did Wilson.

"You're damn right I am!" Chase screamed from behind them.

Thirteen leaned in to sniff Cuddy. "Are… Are you drunk?" she asked with a frown, stepping back.

"Again, if you hadn't been off gallivanting you would know that, or be drunk as well," House told her.

Thirteen cleared her throat. "I don't think that's the issue right now, Dr. House."

Cuddy clung to Thirteen and put her hands on her stomach. "Awwww, don't you have a little people?"

"No… No, _you_ have a baby."

Wilson dropped himself in the seat next to House, and Thirteen sat with Cuddy on the opposite side of the table.

"Now, Doctor Chase, commence the yelling," House said, immediately turning his attention back to Wilson.

"This is serious!" Chase bellowed.

Wilson giggled, running his fingers along the side of House's face.

"We could be fired!" Chase continued, starting to pace.

Cuddy nuzzled her face into Thirteen's neck. A smile tugged Thirteen's lips and she tucked a lock of Cuddy's hair behind her ear.

"I can't believe this!" Chase yelled at the others. "How can you people not care?!"

Wilson moved his chair closer to House's, and clumsily wrapped his arms around House's neck.

"We're seriously fucked now! Everyone knows we're all fucking wasted!"

Cuddy kissed her way up Thirteen's neck, pausing to nibble at her earlobe. Thirteen giggled slightly, tangling her fingers in Cuddy's hair.

"God, we're all going to go to jail! I can't go to jail! I'm too pretty!" He dragged a hand through his hair roughly, rubbing the back of his neck in frustration.

Cuddy grasped Thirteen's jaw and turned her face toward her own. Joining their lips hungrily, she wrapped her arms around Thirteen's neck, pulling her closer.

"And Cuddy… Look, I know it's really none of my business, but I've got to say something. You're pregnant, and you shouldn't be drinking. You're a doctor for Christ's sake. You should know better." He shook his head. "I mean, what were you thinking?" Chase glanced over at Cuddy. "Are you even listening to me? Cuddy?" He looked around at the others. "Is _anyone_ listening?"

House grinned and brought his lips to Wilson's. Wilson's grip tightened and House snaked his arms around Wilson's waist pulling him closer.

Thirteen leaned into Cuddy's body, hands wandering up her back.

Chase threw up his arms, giving up. He dragged back a chair and dropped heavily into it, crossing his arms and trying to ignore the absolute immaturity going on around him.

"You guys!" Cameron shouted in excitement, running into the office. "I love box!"

Thirteen snickered, pulling her lips from Cuddy's. "What a coincidence! That's what I said to your mom last night!"

Cameron stared at her in confusion. "Huh?"

Thirteen shook her head. "Oh, my God."

Cameron continued. "No! Box! I love it!" She dragged a cardboard box in with her from the hallway.

Everyone stared at her.

"…That box?" Chase asked, pointing at the box.

Cameron nodded excitedly.

"…You love it," Thirteen repeated, completely forgetting the fact that Cuddy was still attacking her neck with her lips.

"Yes!" Cameron whined. "Why is our love so difficult for all of you to accept?"

"Because _that_ is a cardboard box!" Chase insisted, gesturing wildly at the box. "It's not even alive!"

"We don't have to listen to this!" Cameron shouted, wrapping her arms around box. Her eyes began to fill with tears.

Thirteen laughed silently into her hand. As Cuddy's mouth worked its way up to her ear she suddenly remembered she had better things to be doing than arguing with Cameron about whether a person and a cardboard box could share a long and happy life together. Thirteen turned her attention back to Cuddy.

Chase put his face in his hands, shaking his head. Days like this he really wished he was back in Australia, playing happily with the koalas and wombats, running free in the open fields and climbing the Eucalyptus trees.

"You don't love box?" Cameron asked Chase, hurt.

"No! I don't love box! And frankly, I have no idea what's so great about box, anyway!"

House burst out laughing.

"What?" Chase snapped at him. Realization dawned. "Oh, great, really mature, House."

"Box and I are leaving! We'll go somewhere where we're not mocked, somewhere we can be free to love!" Cameron cried, picking box up and running from the room.

Chase just shook his head.

"Hey, Wilson," House asked, looking at Wilson. "Do _you_ love box?"

Wilson giggled. "I _love_ box."

"Shut up," Chase sulked, crossing his arms.

* * *

Cameron skipped happily down the hallway, holding box in her arms. She passed an empty hospital room with the door open. She stopped to have a second look.

"Look, box! A room… An _empty_ room…" She looked down at box. "Oh, we couldn't…" She paused. "Well… All right, if you _really_ want to…"

She took box into the empty room, closing the door behind her.

* * *

"Oh, box," Cameron gasped breathlessly, "That was incredible!" She caressed the cardboard side of the box. "I could get used to this."

Throwing her head back against the pillow, she sighed contentedly. "Oh, box," she gushed, "I love you so much. I can't wait until we get married." She trailed her fingertips along the rim of box's flaps. "I want lots of kids." She threw her arms around box happily.

After a moment, her eyes flew open. "What do you mean, you don't want kids?"

* * *

Foreman jumped aside just quick enough to avoid being hit by a cardboard box that came flying at him from one of the hospital rooms. "Jesus!" he cried in alarm, looking around to see who was throwing things at him.

He poked his head in the door of the closest room and found Cameron, sobbing loudly into the pillow on the narrow bed.

"Cameron?" He approached the bed and saw she was wearing nothing but the sheet she was wrapped up in.

"Go away," she sobbed, not lifting her head from the pillow.

"Cameron, what's…"

"I said get out!" she screamed, raising a tear-stained face to glare at Foreman. "Leave me alone!"

Foreman backed away quickly, closing the door. He wasn't getting involved in that, whatever it was. Sighing, he picked the cardboard box up off the floor and began to flatten it down, muttering to himself as he walked away.

* * *

"Okay, you guys," Cuddy complained, walking into the Diagnostics Office, "I just came from the bathroom, and there's no fucking soap in there."

House and Wilson weren't listening, though. They were too busy making out.

Chase shrugged.

"What bullshit," Cuddy continued angrily, stalking over to the sink.

"Aren't you getting a bit too upset by this?" Chase asked, raising his eyebrows.

"Well, this is a hospital, we should be setting standards for hygiene and—" She pushed the pump on the soap a number of times. "This one is empty too! What the fuck is this?" She spun around on her heel. "_Who's the fucking Dean around here?!_" she roared, "_They're fucking fired!_"

"Uh…" Chase looked around at the others for some help. House and Wilson didn't pay the slightest attention. Thirteen shook her head furiously at him. "You are, Cuddy," he told her, turning back.

"_What_?! Fuck that shit. What the fuck is this shit?!" Stalking back to the table, she threw herself into a chair with disdain, crossing her arms.

Chase cleared his throat. "Anyway… What are we gong to do?"

Cuddy looked at him. "About what?"

"About this! All of this!" He gestured wildly. He turned to Thirteen, hoping at least she had some idea what was going on.

Thirteen shrugged. "I didn't really do anything wrong. I was just ten minutes late for work today. You guys are the one who got hammered at work."

Chase sighed. "What are we going to do?" he repeated.

"Maybe you shouldn't have been drinking."

"Well, it's a little late for that now!" he shouted, running a hand through his hair in frustration.

Thirteen shrugged again.

"What if we, like…" Cuddy paused to think. She puffed out her cheeks and stared blankly into the distance. Then she suddenly burst out laughing. "I'm so wasted right now, you have no idea."

Chase squeezed his eyes shut and massaged the bridge of his nose. "Oh, I have some idea, believe me. Even though you shouldn't be." He paused. "Why did you do it, Cuddy?"

"I DUNNO LOL" She spread her hands and shrugged her shoulders.

Thirteen laughed. Chase sighed.

* * *

_Meanwhile, on the curb outside…_

* * *

Box sat on the curb forlornly, watching the cars pass. They had put box out for recycling, throwing it away just like so much used Kleenex, which was beside box in a plastic bag.

Box silently wondered why. Why? Had it not been a good box? Had it not been there for them when they had needed it?

It remembered the good times, watching the nurses come in to refill their stocks of gloves and thermometers, watching the older doctor with the cane make out with the brown-haired man with the bushy eyebrows in the supply closet.

It remembered the bad times, seeing its old friends being flattened and dragged outside once their contents had been emptied, being kicked by nurses and secretaries in pointy shoes. It remembered being nibbled on once by a large dark-grey rat before the grizzled doctor with the cane came in and scooped the rat up, muttering something about being a sneaky escape artist.

But mostly, box remembered Cameron. Cameron had cared for box in a way that no one ever had before. Box didn't know such feelings existed, such warm feelings of love and contentment.

And now Cameron was gone, and box was alone in a frightening new world. Rain began to fall, soaking box completely and causing it to become soggy. Box slumped.

But box did not allow itself to give in to complete despair. It knew that today was going to be a day of new beginnings.

Box had a dream, a crazy dream. It had always wanted to be a box for spare refrigerator parts. Perhaps this time would be that time.

But it would never forget Cameron. It would always remember her shrill, whiny voice, and the way her eyes glistened with tears when box held her in his walls.

No, box would never forget Cameron. Box only hoped that one day, it would be able to love again.

* * *

_Meanwhile, at the Hall of Justice—erm, back inside the hospital…_

* * *

"I like, am such a bad person," Cuddy whined, covering her face with her hands. She was sprawled out on the couch in her office, her head in Thirteen's lap.

Wilson and House were on the other couch, and Chase was in Cuddy's chair.

"Like, if I were me, I would just say to myself, 'Cuddy, you're like, such a bad person. You're totally fired.' And then I would be fired." She paused, thinking. "You know what?" she said, struggling to sit up, "I am me. Cuddy, you're like, fired. You suck." She wasn't successful in sitting up and she fell back into Thirteen's lap. Thirteen ran her fingers through Cuddy's hair, trying to get her to calm down. Cuddy sighed.

"Why did you do it, Cuddy?" Chase spoke suddenly, echoing his question from earlier.

"I don't know," she sighed. "I just like, woke up this morning, and like, everything seemed so hard. Like, nobody knows, right? I'm like, the Dean of fucking… whatever it's called, and everyone's always like, 'Oh Cuddy, you're so awesome, we totally need you to do everything all the time', and like, it's really hard to be so awesome all the time sometimes." She looked up at Thirteen. "You know? Like, and now, I'm gonna have a baby, and I don't even know which of yours it is." She swept a hand across the room in an effort to include Chase, House and Wilson. She covered her face again.

Chase ran a hand through his hair, sighing. Wilson looked like he was about to throw up again. House shrugged.

"Like, what kind of a failure is that?" Cuddy continued, removing her hands from her face and throwing them up with disdain. "How can anyone fail so badly? What an epic fail."

Thirteen scratched Cuddy's scalp softly, like you might pet a dog. "It's not so bad," she said gently.

Cuddy looked up. "How is it not so bad? Did you ever sleep with three of your co-workers, and then end up pregnant and not know whose it was?"

"Well… not the second part."

"I didn't think so." She closed her eyes.

"Well maybe…" Wilson began, seeming to lose some of his nerve as everyone turned to look at him. "I mean… Well… Didn't you say… Didn't you say you…"

House rolled his eyes. "Spit it out already."

"Didn't you say you wanted to have a baby?" He looked like he'd thought better of his words once they were out.

"Not like this. This is just stupid."

"Well… Does it really matter how it happened?" Wilson ventured.

House sat up, foreseeing Wilson getting reamed.

Cuddy opened her mouth to retort, but closed it after a moment. "I guess not."

House spoke up. "Except that every time you look at it you'll remember that time you slept with all your coworkers."

Cuddy groaned.

"Aside from that, though, it's awesome."

"Could be worse," Wilson said. "At least you're a woman. I read this fanfiction once where this guy got pregnant. It was horrifying. All I could think of was everything that was wrong with it. I mean, how would that even happen? The mechanics of it are mind-boggling. And where would he put it? There's no fucking room in there. All the space is being taken up by a little thing called 'vital organs'. And the baby would just fucking die in there, even if it didn't kill you first, because there's no way for it to get food or anything." Wilson paused a fraction of a second to take a deep breath. By this point everyone was staring at him like he'd lost his fucking mind.

"So let's say you managed to live nine months, even though your internal organs are being crushed, and we'll say that your baby's not dead, even though it has no way to get nutrients. Now, just think about this for a second: how the fuck is a man going to give birth to a baby?" He leaned forward for dramatic effect. "Where is it going to come out? I'll just let you think about that for a second." He sat back against the couch again, shaking his head. "Like a watermelon through a fucking straw."

Both House and Chase's expressions were those of utter horror. Crossing their legs, they shifted uncomfortably, covering their laps protectively.

Thirteen and Cuddy stared at Wilson in disbelief and confusion.

Shaking her head, Cuddy said, "That's ridiculous, Wilson. We're doctors. We know better. Nothing like that could ever happen."

* * *

end of deleted scene LOLOLOLOLOL

* * *

**Author's Notes:** All right, that was finally the end of our awesomely awesome story. And guess what? We have a sequel planned. Be afraid.


End file.
